Back in the day this was posted on Bill Nelson's
(now defunct) website "mansonmurders.com".
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I have just been to your website and read the page about me. I wanted to write and express my feelings on this matter. I would also like for you to publish this letter on your website as a sort of "my story" type of thing. I realize it is your website and you are free to publish whatever you want. I also would like to thank you for not releasing any information that you have about me.
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I have been living a quiet life for the past 30 years. I have been blessed well beyond what I have deserved. I have a great husband who I adore, a job I love, and sons who are my whole being. But there have been many tragedies along the way. I am not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I am merely trying to "set the stage" for what has become of my life.
I received my first email from Bill back in July. I admit that it hit me out of the blue. I had seen his website and had also seen him interviewed on television. I didn't know what to expect. I hadn't talked about those years of my life for a long, long time. Indeed, my own children don't know my history. I have been up front with them about the drug use and basically told them I lived in a "commune". They have no idea I was with Manson.
I tried to explain to Bill my reluctance to "speak out" because it had been so long. I have been living quietly with this for almost thirty years. Old habits are hard to break. For a moment put yourself in my shoes. Have you ever tried to explain to a plastic surgeon why you have an ‘X' on your forehead in the first place? I have had all these feelings bottled up tight for many years. I have been to professional counseling for years. I can't talk to my friends about it. Real friends will understand? Wrong! I know from firsthand experience that is not the case. I have tried "opening up" before and have had people (special people) walk out of my life because of it. Welcome to my life.
I told Bill this story. I live in a VERY small town. One cold night, I couldn't sleep. I flipped on the TV and there happened to be a Sharon Tate movie (DON'T MAKE WAVES) showing. I cried the rest of the night. I think about it all the time. Not a day goes by when I don't think back wishing the whole thing was some awful dream. But it wasn't a dream. I know that. I can't change it, although I would if I could.
Barbara Hoyt. I think about her and wish that there was something I could do to ease her pain. What I did was despicable. I am ashamed. But again, I can't take back something I did 30 years ago. The reason I never apologized to Barbara through email to Bill is quite simple. I can't fully express my feelings in words. I feel it is something that needs to be done face to face. At this time however, Bill has told me that Barbara doesn't want some type of overly emotional reunion to be blasted all over the talk shows. I feel the same way. Like I said, I think about Barbara on a daily basis. What happened with her has kept me up nights for 30 years thinking about what could have been a very tragic outcome. I am truly sorry.
After reading Bill's website update about me, I felt compelled to give my side of the story. Bill has been getting a bad rap on the message boards and I probably shouldn't have "popped off" the way I did. As far as I know, he hasn't spilled any information about me. Basically, everything happened too fast for me. Much too fast. I wanted to set the record straight and give insight into my decision to do what I did.
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OK Bill. What do you think? Can you publish that letter in full? I picked up the ball in my court and have passed it to you.
Ruth
